my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
