I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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