bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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