I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
