I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
