I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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