I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize