You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
And then he peed in my hair
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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