im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
