well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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