before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She even gives head with a lisp.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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