I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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