that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize