I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
