i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
