I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
