using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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