That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
