Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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