i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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