he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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