I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize