I wish I could teleport
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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