No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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