it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
it glows. i had to have it.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
