I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
stop calling my apartment porn island.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
