Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
