She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
