i'm signing you up for texting rehab
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
