everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
did you just send me my own nude
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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