I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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