in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
