I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
