Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
