Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
