the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
