I showed him my bush... on skype.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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