I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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