also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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