i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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