I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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