shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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