Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
