Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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