Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
