woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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