Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
