Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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