i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I supernannyed him into submission
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
