I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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