We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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