i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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