Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
