Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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