So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
