did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
