I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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