oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
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