...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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