I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
