now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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