some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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