I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
