3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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