i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
