Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize