I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
