I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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