one word: firstdatebathroomanal
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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